my sister in law

Re: my sister in law

Postby Spreading Salt on Wed May 30, 2018 5:27 am

Dearest Yeshua,

Please let her recover completely from her knee surgery. Let her healing be complete with no complications. Lord, work on her heart regarding her hoarding issue. Help her see the need for change. In this situation, use each moment to give her a different perspective. May she experience hope instead of despair. Guide her thoughts towards the necessary changes. Thank You for providing for her future residence. Help the family know how to best comfort and guide her as well. Thank You Jesus. Amen
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Sun Jun 03, 2018 1:16 pm

Thanks again to all you prayer warriors!

Just a quick update. My sister in law is home now from rehab (much too soon IMO) her knee is healing nicely, but, she has developed a very itchy rash all over her body. The doctors cannot seem to pinpoint the cause, likely some allergic reaction to medication. She is extremely uncomfortable and cannot sleep. Please pray that with the removal of some medications this rash will clear up and she can get on with recovery and strengthening her knee.

Thanks all!


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Re: my sister in law

Postby sacredcowbasher on Mon Jun 04, 2018 8:13 pm

:praying:
Gal 2: 14-19 But when I saw that they were not straightforward about the truth of the gospel, I said to Peter before them all, "If you, being a Jew, live in the manner of Gentiles and not as the Jews, why do you compel Gentiles to live as Jews? We who are Jews by nature, and not sinners of the Gentiles, knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law but by faith in Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Christ Jesus, that we might be justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of the law; for by the works of the law no flesh shall be justified. But if, while we seek to be justified by Christ, we ourselves also are found sinners, is Christ therefore a minister of sin? Certainly not! For if I build again those things which I destroyed, I make myself a transgressor. For I through the law ( the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus ), died to the law ( the law of sin and death ) that I might live to God. Parenthetical remarks added are mine.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Tue Jun 05, 2018 9:32 am

:praying:
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Sun Jun 24, 2018 10:05 am

Thanks again to those who have been in prayer for my sister in law. Her rash has improved, but sadly she is not keeping up with her therapy, her other knee has been giving her severe pain which makes it difficult. Her doctor did give her a brace and a cortisone shot, so hopefully these will help.

She has gotten comfortable in the house again, and is still surrounded by her hoard. Not sure how long until the house forecloses but she has absolutely no plan in place for her next living situation. It is sad. She has a college age son living with her and is not thinking at all about his future either.

One of these days in the not too distant future I am pretty sure that I will be posting about the unfolding drama that will ensue when the you know what hits the fan!

Thank you for the continued prayers for her and this situation

God bless you all

RT
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Sun Jun 24, 2018 3:17 pm

RT: The cortisone shots are good, but the gel shots are even way better. If the cortisone doesn't "stick" or as soon as it wears off and she starts reporting pain (which could be very soon, sometimes within days), don't delay, get her back to the knee doc for the gel, which is the next step, and which has given some people some pretty good relief.
Do keep in mind that if she gets the gel, it will be a few months after that before she can get the knee surgery. In other words, if they give her the gel, she will then have to wait a few months before she can get knee surgery or replacement....so if surgery is really on the horison, keep in mind the gel will extend the time before she is able to get it.
That said, I have friends who have gotten the gel, and they have had significant relief from it.

I have prayed for all of this that was indicated and am continuing to keep her in prayer.

You're a great SIL. :hugs2:
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Re: my sister in law

Postby burien1 on Sun Jun 24, 2018 4:17 pm

:praying:
Psalm 119:105; Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby sacredcowbasher on Mon Jun 25, 2018 7:26 am

:praying:
Gal 2: 14-19 But when I saw that they were not straightforward about the truth of the gospel, I said to Peter before them all, "If you, being a Jew, live in the manner of Gentiles and not as the Jews, why do you compel Gentiles to live as Jews? We who are Jews by nature, and not sinners of the Gentiles, knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law but by faith in Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Christ Jesus, that we might be justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of the law; for by the works of the law no flesh shall be justified. But if, while we seek to be justified by Christ, we ourselves also are found sinners, is Christ therefore a minister of sin? Certainly not! For if I build again those things which I destroyed, I make myself a transgressor. For I through the law ( the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus ), died to the law ( the law of sin and death ) that I might live to God. Parenthetical remarks added are mine.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Fri Sep 07, 2018 5:17 pm

Just a short update concerning my sister in law:

She never really kept up the therapy, but manages to get around okay. The other knee gives her a lot of pain though which makes it hard.

She is now seeing a psychiatrist, not sure whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. I don't know how I feel about modern psychiatric care, seems that most just want to throw mind altering drugs at the problem. But we'll see.

I think today was the day she was going to get to see the actual doctor and perhaps get an initial diagnosis.

I guess my prayer is that this doctor would be able to help her manage her life a little better. Whether through therapy or drugs, something needs to happen to get her on a course to living with some bit of reality in mind. The other hope is that if she gets a diagnosis, then perhaps she will get approved for some kind of disability assistance. But I don't know how that works.

The house has gone into foreclosure which will be uncontested, so not sure how long it will be until she needs to be out, but she is still no closer to finding a new place to live. There are a ton of foreclosures around us going on- it is ridiculous, so it may take a rather long time.

Anyway, that's where it stands at the moment, continued prayers appreciated.

Thanks

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Re: my sister in law

Postby burien1 on Sat Sep 08, 2018 6:35 am

:praying:
Psalm 119:105; Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Sat Sep 08, 2018 7:46 am

RT, the length of time the foreclosure takes, particularly since this one isn't being contested (if your SIL filed bankruptcy it would halt the foreclosure, or at least in SC that's what would happen).....anyway, the time it will take for the foreclosure to be complete has more to do with how aggressive the attorney doing it is about getting his or her stuff filed timely.

I work for several law firms who do foreclosure, and many of my clients get their foreclosures done in 5-7 months. The banks have gotten aggressive about wanting these things completed. We can guess why....they're paying the interest, carrying the unperforming loan, etc.... so they seem to make the attorneys compete with each other (for lack of a better explanation....what I mean is if the attorney takes 3 days to do "X" task and another firm takes 2 weeks, the one who is faster gets more business)......Our clients are very strict on us about our turn around time....and this is why. Also, since we do work at various parts of the foreclosure, I see the case from beginning to end when we do a search to certify through the end of the case so the bank can sell the property it has taken title to......I know for uncontested cases, with one firm it's a 5-7 month timeline almost all the time. Another firm takes about 8 months, so they're a little slower about staying on top of their filings....

Just wanted to chime in and tell you, 1) bankruptcy should stop the foreclosure and/or 2) If uncontested, safest bet is to count on 5 months at the earliest, but it's possible if the attorney is performing by a structured timely plan, which many are these days.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Sat Sep 08, 2018 7:54 am

Also, if she's hoarding like this, she likely does have a mental diagnosis and perhaps one that will qualify her for assistance. Honestly, someone I love very much has borderline personality disorder. She struggles terribly and even though she has all these plans to accomplish this or that, she somehow seems to blow through every day not getting very far along. She also has lots of issues with relationships and so forth.

First, psychiatrists and therapists have been essential in helping some of us deal with her. They also know how best to communicate with her in order to help her do better with her situation......and I see this person's hands shaking like a leaf on a tree all the time....she suffers tremendously.....it breaks my heart......and yet, who could help her if not for these people?

Second, I dont know much about hoarders, but I know that the person with a mental illness in my life gets overwhelmed often. I think she is going to need professional services such as housing, help with medical care, etc. If hoarders are similar, then this may be the solution for what comes next. She may not be able to take care of herself.....and other hoarders may not, either.....I just don't know. I know with BPD, this looks to be the case, so I am trying to help my loved one get good people in place to help her...because without them, bad things can happen to my loved one.

All that said, these people I have been talking to in the profession do reiterate to me that my loved one has to be the one to show up for the help, etc......
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Thu Sep 13, 2018 9:00 pm

Godsstudent,

Thanks for the info.

I think she may have BPD and bi polar 2. And her hands do shake all the time too! I do not think she has told her psychiatrist that she is a hoarder. But her other mental health issues should help her get some assistance. Though she was already denied twice. There is a 10 year waiting list for housing assistance programs in our county and surrounding counties aren't much better.

As for declaring bankrupcy, she does not own the house. Her ex husband does, and he has no interest in stopping the process. Basically she is a squatter, or at most might be considered a tenant, though she does not pay rent and has no contract to live there. I did a bit of research and found that if she is considered a tenant, then she would be given a 90 day notice to vacate once the house is sold.

It has been almost a year since he stopped paying the mortgage, not sure how long it takes from then for the bank to foreclose if it is uncontested. Everything I can find about it for NYS says 8 to 18 months depending on the courts.
So I am thinking any time now. I have been watching Zillow to see if it shows up as a foreclosure sale, so far it hasn't.

My prayer is that with the help of this new doctor she can start to at least think about her future and where she is going to live. She is completely unrealistic about it. basically she wants a house in the country, with a yard, and lots of storage space in the town she currently lives in. She has no savings to speak of, her only income is back child support payments from her ex husband, she does not work, has only ever had a job on the books for less than a year of her whole life. Other than that she did babysitting and cleaning. On top of that is the hoarding and her physical health which isn't good either. She is a wreck!

She refuses to even consider renting an apartment and insists that she will only ever live in a house.

The family fears that her mother will end up buying her something, or move her into her trailer, which she will leave to rent an apartment. The problem is that my SIL couldn't afford the bills and rent, so that would mean her mother would likely support her financially. Which isn't anything new.

The positives are that she is a believer, so I know God can work on her behalf to meet her needs. She has friends and family that also follow Christ, who are willing to step up to the plate when needed to help her. She has a psychiatrists and a therapist, and her physical health issues are being addressed, though at a snails pace. I am cautiously optimistic that somehow everything will work out and God will provide the means for her to have a place to live.

Thanks for the prayers and for the info.

RT
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Fri Sep 14, 2018 7:34 am

The only other thing I might could say to help is that our State, SC, has a website that displays the courts public records. You put in the defendant's name and all cases come up, then you can click on the case and see whats been filed and so forth. If you know the ex's name and the county it's being foreclosed in, I imagine you can find the case and see what's been filed. If you have that information, we could easily determine at what place they are in the foreclosure. You could also follow the case to the end and KNOW when it's completed and property sold. Also, it will be in that same case that the "Writ of Assistance" is filed, which is what they file to force those living in the property to move out, and fwiw, when the Writ is filed, your SIL will be served anyway....so if she tells you what's going on, she will tell you about this.

My friend who has BPD also has grand dreams of what she will be in life, where she will live and so forth. The reality of her day to day is that it takes her a very long time to accomplish little things, so getting from where she is to where she believes she is going is not going to happen...but that is what mental illness is about.....and my heart hurts that it's so.....
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Fri Sep 14, 2018 5:31 pm

Thanks GS, I did check online as you suggested, and did find some records , I found a Lis Pendens, which I discovered is a first filing for foreclosure which was filed on August 3rd. Which should mean that she has some time, months at least and perhaps up to a year or more. The other record I found was a confession judgment, which I found out is is "a written agreement, signed by the defendant, that accepts the liability and amount of damages that was agreed on. A confession of judgment is a way to circumvent normal court proceedings and avoid a lengthy legal process to resolve a dispute." The grantee is Support Collection Unit, and the consideration is $78,416.00, which I assume is the amount owed on the mortgage. This was filed on August 7th. So now it is a waiting game to see how long it will take. Thanks for the info, it was very helpful. I never would have thought to even check online for court records.

My friend who has BPD also has grand dreams of what she will be in life, where she will live and so forth. The reality of her day to day is that it takes her a very long time to accomplish little things, so getting from where she is to where she believes she is going is not going to happen...but that is what mental illness is about.....and my heart hurts that it's so.....


Your friend sounds very similar to my SIL. I wish there was some way to help them. But they have to want to help themselves first as you pointed out.

Thanks again GS

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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Sat Sep 15, 2018 1:04 pm

If the owner of the property gave the plaintiff a confession of judgment, then the owner is cooperating with the plaintiff in the case to avoid a lengthy foreclosure period, so it looks like things won't go the "normal" course, as it's a rare thing, at least here in SC, for the property owner to do such a thing (from what I've seen). I am NOT a lawyer, so I am only speaking to things I know as a common person. (I know you know I am not a lawyer, but want to make it clear to anyone reading).
Anyway, I imagine your SIl will get notice to vacate soon enough.....
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Sat Sep 15, 2018 6:59 pm

GodsStudent wrote:If the owner of the property gave the plaintiff a confession of judgment, then the owner is cooperating with the plaintiff in the case to avoid a lengthy foreclosure period, so it looks like things won't go the "normal" course, as it's a rare thing, at least here in SC, for the property owner to do such a thing (from what I've seen). I am NOT a lawyer, so I am only speaking to things I know as a common person. (I know you know I am not a lawyer, but want to make it clear to anyone reading).
Anyway, I imagine your SIl will get notice to vacate soon enough.....


Yes, and it really won't matter how long it takes, I think whenever it happens, it will create a crisis and will require the intervention of others to mitigate it.

Thanks again GS for the info-

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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Sat Sep 15, 2018 7:37 pm

Sounds like you're right on target with this, RT.
I will continue to pray for her and you and this situation.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Wed Nov 07, 2018 11:05 pm

Not a whole lot to update on. But just wanted to share that my sister in law is responding to the meds that her psychiatrist prescribed. She is sleeping better and her mood is a bit more even. She has even started to consider where she might live once she has to leave. Though she is still unreasonable about her options. I have to wonder how she will even be able to rent a place. She has no work history to speak of, she did cleaning jobs off the books for years. She has no credit history. No one will give her a good reference. Her only source of income is the money she receives from her ex husband for back child support payments. She has no job, was denied disability twice and the waiting list for housing assistance has a ten year back up. I don't know if anyone would rent to her.

One good thing though is that a woman she cleaned for left her a substantial monetary gift when she passed away. Enough to perhaps purchase a mobile home? Also her knee has healed well and she is able to get around a lot better now. She will have to have the other knee done in the coming year.

Thanks for praying. The Lord always seems to provide for my sister in law.

RT
Last edited by Resurrection Torchlight on Fri Nov 09, 2018 2:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Thu Nov 08, 2018 8:18 am

Stacey, have you ever read about borderline personality disorder? I have had to learn a lot about this lately and your SIL sounds like she suffers from it.
Warning....there is a lot of misinformation and disinformation out there on this, so when you get to the part about early childhood abuse and trauma, dont take that straightforward. That could be as simple as....the patient didn't form relationships well and always got into trouble as a kid in school and was ostracized by other students and even teachers/administrators.....and not these horrible abusive parents who were mean to their kids.....I mention that, because I think a lot of people might read the symptoms and causes and stop at the abuse thing, thinking no, this can't be whats going on, because I know so and so wouldn't have abused this person as their mother/caretaker.
Anyway, if she has BPD, then there is also a chance that she has co existing stuff with the BPD, as many do.
But read about this, maybe, and see what you think.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Fri Nov 09, 2018 2:39 pm

Lisa, I do believe that my SIL was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I will do some reading on it as you suggested. I don't think she was abused as a child but she was born a preemie and spent weeks in the hospital without a parent on any regular basis. Her father died when she was 10 also. Her mother said that she was always a handful, and she had major temper tantrums where she would become physically violent, sadly this still happens on occasion. It will be interesting reading whether this is consistent with the disorder. Thanks for the advise.

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Re: my sister in law

Postby sacredcowbasher on Fri Nov 09, 2018 9:56 pm

:praying:
Gal 2: 14-19 But when I saw that they were not straightforward about the truth of the gospel, I said to Peter before them all, "If you, being a Jew, live in the manner of Gentiles and not as the Jews, why do you compel Gentiles to live as Jews? We who are Jews by nature, and not sinners of the Gentiles, knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law but by faith in Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Christ Jesus, that we might be justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of the law; for by the works of the law no flesh shall be justified. But if, while we seek to be justified by Christ, we ourselves also are found sinners, is Christ therefore a minister of sin? Certainly not! For if I build again those things which I destroyed, I make myself a transgressor. For I through the law ( the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus ), died to the law ( the law of sin and death ) that I might live to God. Parenthetical remarks added are mine.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Sun Nov 11, 2018 12:01 pm

Hi Stacie:
Yes, the sufferers of this disorder have extreme abandonment issues as well as lots other stuff going off. The abandonment issues can be set off by VERY innocent comments that would not affect others at all. Also, they cannot take advice and do not allow anyone to tell them what to do....even their parents. Law enforcement gets a pass often, but they only control themselves in the presence of law enforcement, most often, if they are going thru an event. Family members can be yelled at for hours at a time and physical abuse is very frequent. The best way to communicate with them is validation of their feelings or thoughts....ie: they say I feel like I am in a time capsule and time is running out. You say: I hear that time is running out and you are in a time capsule.....it keeps them pliable.
They also have other extreme behaviors, lots of sexual partners, drugs, alcohol and other disorders...shopping, hoarding....etc.
They are often just not living in the real world, but you can't say that to them or you become their target. Again, validate and beyond that, figure out how to get to the next place for them. They (many of them) are completely unable to take care of themselves in reality and their thinking is often distorted...as in lofty thinking and pie in the sky thinking.

There is of course more, and I am learning more about this. It's a very grave and serious dx....one of the very worst. Often the people who live with them are completely undone.....and for good reason. That said, there is a therapy called DBT which can help them function, but they have to go to therapy every week, stay on their meds and even getting them to admit they have this and be willing to do therapy is a stretch for a lot of families. Some families dont report this trouble....and the person will go to therapy because they deal with so much going on in their heads....some things are basically the same for all involved and some are not.
Anyway, I would have called this for your SIL earlier had I known more about bpd, but I just found out about BPD when my daughter turned 18 and the officials could actually make a diagnosis (they aren't allowed to diagnose before the person turns 18, so life can be pure he double ll until we even know what is going on). Anyway....now we know. :(
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Spreading Salt on Thu Nov 22, 2018 8:09 am

Dearest Yeshua,

Please guide this situation to a better season. Provide a home. Provide medical attention. Peace for each moment. Help them trust You through every day. Thank You. Amen
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Tue Nov 27, 2018 6:52 am

Lisa,
Thanks again for your insights, I found this article which seems to describe the situation to a "T"
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog ... ersonality

It's pretty fascinating, but so sad too.

Sorry that your daughter has mental health issues, it's so difficult to relate to them where they are at, trying to understand how their mind works is difficult, but educating oneself is a good place to start.

Thanks again, your posts have been very helpful.

RT
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Wed Nov 28, 2018 1:06 pm

Hi Stacey:

Yes, I understand completely what you are dealing with, and you are right, learning how to communicate with them is the best first step to being able to help them move forward, and most of all, keep from "setting them off," even though you are trying not to. I am happy that you are gaining useful information to help not only your SIL, but maybe her mother, your MIL, too....and even your husband???

There are a few really good books, too.
Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Y. Manning, PhD
Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger

These are two that were recommended to me and that I am learning from and that, in support groups for those of us with loved ones with BPD are finding to be useful.

God Bless,
Lisa
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