by GodsStudent on Sun Mar 05, 2017 1:21 pm
So, I wanted to update my thread a little bit and share since I see it has a lot of hits on it, and obviously, though there aren't many remarks, there are people either praying for us or reading the thread for other purposes. Its personal information, and the story as it unfolds, and certainly one of the Moderators had concern about me giving so much detail, but my spirit knows this is a "God Thing" and so I will keep my commitment to maintain this thing through the process and I am ok that it may or may not make me look like what people thinking worldly might like to judge.....it's ok. God has assured me we do not fight our worldly battles in the flesh, we fight them in the Spirit, because we are His Children, we are Saints of the Most High, and I have no fear here, only the Spiritual Principles to guide me, and my Spirit knows this is ok, so I will keep going.
My husband left without a forwarding address, without making any arrangements for what we would do and not do during our separation as to any and all elements of our life. Im honesty left wondering if he is a true covert narcissist or if the drugs affect him in such a way as that is what he became. I say that, because certainly the man I married is nothing at all like the person I am dealing with now. After two years of drug abuse and openly admitting to having some form of a bond with some other woman (I don't know what the status of that is now and it's not a priority for me at this moment to know).....he suddenly had all these things against me. Knowing myself, and how I stood by him through all of this and even more importantly that I was doing it for the vows I made to him, I am satisfied that these "charges" being rendered against me, for the most part, are the work of the enemy in his mind, and not the reality of my conduct during these hard times in our marriage.
I cry every day and sometimes the anguish is almost more than I am thinking I can bear, but something greater than the grief is going on in my own life. God is preparing me for where He wants me to be next.....regardless of "WHO" will be there....or not. I have enough information about my husband to know that this is still about drugs for him, and it's become his lifestyle now...the getting, the using, and the constant interaction with those that sell and use the same. It is almost impossible for me to imagine the man I married with a drug pipe hanging from his mouth and acting in sordid manners as a result, but not at all difficult for me to imagine the man who left my home to do the same. That man was lying, cheating, covert and secretive and not a husband in any sense of the word.
The world and worldly repeat a lot of things to me that we all say to each other in these sorts of situations, and certainly I need to hear them, because sometimes they help me get through the moments....but the most important thing I need right now is the Great Physician, and so does my husband, so I pray for all of us and our circumstances every day....all through the day. Last night going up and down every isle at the grocery store, I uttered a conversation and thanks and praise to the Lord (best I could, and I must admit I need to get more on the ball with this, because I am alas stuck in a bit of selfish and self centeredness with all my problems looming overhead, and I am too tempted to worry and not trust the ONLY One who is worthy of all my trust and praise......and I worry that I wont like the way He chooses to fix my situation, which is another sin I am aware of in myself). There is more than one reason for me to be in constant contact with the Lord right now through prayer, listening to sermons, reading the scriptures, etc....but certainly, one reason that really matters is it keeps me grounded. I am not flailing around, but staying focused on the fact that I "passed the ball" to the Lord and I constantly remind myself that it's in His hands now, and I constantly have to reremind myself of this fact, because I struggle with letting it be there and going on with what is the next right thing for me to be doing for myself, my daughter, our life. When significant stress like this goes on with me, I tend to think and worry and fret and even take actions that don't benefit it at all.....so constantly talking to the Lord, and constantly reminding myself that I gave Him the ball is the most important thing I can do now to stop myself from trying to figure out what I need to do or could possibly do to improve this situation.....which I cannot improve....only the Living God can work this out in my life for me, if not for "us" and I must constantly remind myself and live that.....
There are a lot of questions I can't answer right now, and I am finding that when I pose these questions to myself and the Lord and I don't have any idea what to do, it is best for me to let whatever "that question is" go. Coming to terms with what has already happened and what is happening is necessary, but knowing what I am going to decide for my life (or the Lord is going to do or not do in my life) is not....it's just that simple, but this is one of the hardest things for me to contend with, because I want to spend too much time wondering if I want to be alone (and lonely!) for the rest of my life or if I should consider dating at some time in the future....things like that.....where I will be "going" from here. This is one of many examples, but it still comes down to what will bring me the most peace and comfort in the moment and today's truthes and facts, and that.....means.......I need to be still and co exist with the here and now and not project into tomorrow's things....because this is still a form of not letting God have the ball and work things out in my life.....it still is me projecting ahead as to what I will think and decide for myself, and it always grieves and stresses me out.....but yet, I find myself trying to do it.
I think back to when things in my marriage were going much better, and I am reminded that I used to spend a lot more time in the Word and listening to sermons and focusing on my walk with the Lord.....To enable me to have peace now, I am doing these things again. While I have books to listen to or read, and there are plenty of other distractions out there that I could help pass my time with, I am reaching for a word from the Lord via these pastors whose sermons I trust....and it helps me make better choices and decisions in the moment and in each day. None of us should constantly focus on the Lord only around the clock, but when in a crisis of monumental proportion, doing that for a period is the only thing I am finding that gives me the peace during the storm that I need to handle myself in the best way possible. So, until further notice.....that's how I am handling my circumstances.......and it's giving me as much peace and comfort as I can possibly have at this time in my life. It keeps me from saying things I wish I wouldn't have said, doing things or not doing things that will make things worse, and having the best mechanisms in place possible to allow things to be as they are and not feel like I have to do something about them.....because I've tried everything else....and not gotten any results worthy of mentioning......Now, finally, I can expect results that are the best for me, because truly God loves me and all of us, and He will make it alright, nomatter what the outcome.....I don't know if that means for our marriage....and I should not worry about that....my relationship with the Lord is not contingent on anything but me actively living what I have been taught by scripture.....and that is how I live and need to live.....and it truly makes all the difference in the world for each moment of each day......and I know when this passes, He will have guided me where I need to be and it will be the right place for me to be....and I will have so many LESS regrets of what I did or didn't do during the time all because I lived this thing that way....with God as the quarterback, passing the ball as He see's fit, and me on the field with everyone else.....learning and in awe because God is the ultimate quarterback and will see team Godsstudent to victory.....as He always does....He is THE leader of the team in my life.