husband likely moving out

by **GodsStudent** on Sun Feb 28, 2016 7:23 am

I haven't posted on this for months, and over those months, I have been trying to be still for the benefit of honoring my vows, in spite of the fact that I know my husband will lie to me as easy as tell me the truth. It came to a crashing head this past Friday evening, as he lied about money I gave him in the morning, and I caught him red handed in the lies. In short, I know he has been lying to me and I tried to ignore it and let him do and be what he was going to do and be, but in the end, I've lost all respect for him, and it's nearly impossible to love a husband I can't respect. I don't trust him and I don't respect him. I know his addiction drives his actions, but living with an addict who places his love for that over his wife (although I see his conflict, because he does love me...but only fwiw).....it's draining, and I've just had enough at this point.
He left Friday night and as usual. hasn't returned, but this time, when he contacts me, I want to tell him that I'd like for him to stay gone. I do not feel that he and I have a biblical husband and wife relationship anymore. Whatever we set out to accomplish together has long been overcome by his personal ventures, and at this point, I feel that I've lost myself in all of his drama, and I just need for it to stop......Even though there are a lot of reasons why I need him, and for those reasons, I tolerated all the lying and bad behavior.....I find I just can't go on anymore with him, like this.

There's so much to consider that I would be remiss to ask for certain prayers right now, because I don't know what is best for me in my situation. I would simply ask that you do pray for my situation and ask the Lord to provide for the needs, and outline my path, direct my steps, moving forward. It's been so long since I felt happy about anything, and I've been so disillusioned about what my life has become that I have tolerated it, not all that well, but as best I could. I regret, but am hopeful that it has come down to me saying that leaving my husband is the only way I can find happiness, but settling for what he has offered me on a personal level for so long has really drained me of most joy. I really understand why 9 out of 10 relationships dealing with severe addiction fail.....because I have put up with that which is just ridiculous in order to try to honor my vows and keep them.....but in the end......it only made me responsible for 2 people.....for the most part....because only one of us is really functioning sufficiently....he may get up and go to work, but in so many ways, his contribution essentially ends there....and it just added so much to my plate that I have and am swirling in a sea of overburdened.

Friday night I didn't plan to confront him on the money that he took to take care of our house business that disappeared without him getting the business taken care of, but when I questioned him about where the money went and he lied and even said he filled up his car with gas with a small portion of it (no answer as to the rest).....he was on his way out to see his "dealer friend"....and so I followed him and when he cranked his car, his gas needle was on empty and I exploded and told him to stay with his dealer friend....and that's the last time I've seen him....I am not as emotional and distraught about this as I have been in the past, because I have come to accept that he loves "another" more than he loves me......but his choices and lifestyle throw mine into complete disarray every time he goes away (we work together to top it all off and of course, some of you know I am handicapped).......so, again, I will take on doing his job as well as my own as well as handling literally every aspect of our finances and responsibilities (because he has been untrustworthy and unable to share those burdens)......

I am not venting.....I am sharing what leads to the decision to finally get to a place where I admit that his out of control lifestyle has made mine go out of control and at this point, a marriage PARTNERSHIP has NOTHING to do with the way we are living.....and the burdens are just too great on me to continue on in this situation......even if I did say "I do."....there just isn't enough of me to go around ......and I am so overwhelmed.....and to top it all off.....I have to finally accept that those dreams which saw us taking vows far more than a decade ago never got realized, because his addiction came in and took all of that away so many years ago...and we've just been surviving together since he lost control of his using many years back....me clinging to some unrealistic hope that the man I married was going to come back. The man I am with wants to be with me at all times he isn't using, but at this point, I can barely stand to do that with him anymore, because what I see when I look at him is not what I used to see when I looked at him......

What's really strange to me is that whenever I do go out, men are drawn to me and I don't worry that if I wanted to, I could find another to love....not AT ALL that I am thinking of that for me now....but my internal dilemma is that I don't think my husband committed adultery with another woman, so I don't believe I can, by God's standards, be with someone else in my future. That has plagued my mind, too, since I really need the help of someone (physically).....just to function. While I have a lot to offer in so many ways, my RSD/CRPS is in my spine and all limbs, and there are times when I absolutely need the help of another.....

sigh.....

I don't even know how I am going to deal with doing the legwork to our job since he and I work together....but I have found myself begging the Lord to take me out of this world due to the circumstances I find myself in, and the reality that I cannot continue to live like this anymore with this man. I've talked to therapists.....just because they support my decision to move on and cheer me on when I say I deserve better than this doesn't mean they can give me the answers I seek as to the logistical way to go about that, nor can they give me the relief I need when I contemplate trying to live alone for the remainder of my life with my circumstances. I don't have answers and they cant give them to me.....

only God can ....and the questions are real.

But....today, I am stepping out in faith, with tears in my eyes and my marriage in the rear view mirror at this point....and given what I know about God....He will direct my path since I am asking Him to....and one day, should Christ tarry, and the Lord choose not to answer my prayer that He bring me home to Him.....I will have yet another testimony to add to the others.

If you've made it to this point in my post, you have endured a lengthy read and I appreciate your interest in me, so much to the point, that you would take the time to read all that plagues me and empathize with my issues. I didn't mean to be so long winded.

by **Abiding in His Word** on Sun Feb 28, 2016 8:34 am

Lisa, please don't apologize for being so "long-winded." We are here to share our joys and sorrows and I'm sharing your sorrow, fear, and confusion right now.

Let me say that there are no easy answers and we can only take one step at a time without being completely overwhelmed. I know that's easier said than done, but I know from reading your posts over the years, you are a strong, determined woman who will make it through this extremely difficult and scary time. I did and you will too even if you can't see how at the moment.

I read years ago that just as we schedule our "to do" things in our daily lives, we can schedule our worry times as well. She said to set aside a time each day for worrying about things we worry about on a day-to-day basis. Set a timer. When that time is up, go on with your everyday responsibilities. I found it very effective in compartmentalizing my concerns just like I did everything else. Try it.

I hear you've reached your end so far as your marriage goes. Please know that I will be praying for comfort, strength, and wisdom as you face the future and it's uncertainties. You are loved by many here, Lisa and we care about your situation.

:praying:

by **GodsStudent** on Sun Feb 28, 2016 10:03 am

Thank you VERY MUCH for your kind words, suggestions and support, Abiding. :hugs:

by **burien1** on Sun Feb 28, 2016 10:11 am

Lisa, I know that emotional abuse is every bit as devastating as physical abuse. I had both. You have so much on your plate. I won't give you advice. You already know to lean on Jesus for strength. Just wish I could give you a big hug in person.

Abiding's advice is top notch, as always. We can learn to have a measure of control over our thoughts. Just remember how much you are loved by our Lord. And you are loved by all of us here. :hugs:

by **Loop** on Sun Feb 28, 2016 10:50 am

Nothing to add, I thnk Abiding and burien said most all ..
but will be keeping you in Prayers.. "hugs", :hugs:

by **Resurrection Torchlight** on Sun Feb 28, 2016 3:31 pm

So sorry to hear about this, I will certainly be holding you up to our Lord in prayer, I cannot imagine how difficult life is for you right now. I only hope that I can provide encouragement for you as you have done for me, your prayers and wise advice have sustained me through some times that were not nearly as trying as the burdens you are having to bear right now.

Lord please bring Your peace to my sister Lisa, help her not to give into a spirit of fear, but to trust You for all things. Work in her life Lord to keep her strong in faith, provide for her daily needs and continue to do a mighty work in and through her.

I will continue to pray for you and your family

Stacey

by **GodsStudent** on Tue Mar 01, 2016 4:36 am

Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go.
Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down and as much as you care, you cant destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that is painful-you have every right to leave and create a safer place for yourself.
Daniell Koepke

by **Abiding in His Word** on Tue Mar 01, 2016 5:51 am

A couple days ago I watched Les Miserables on tv. I found it terribly depressing, but made a note of two lines from the song "I dreamed a dream" that I thought were profound, sad, but so true. I share them with you to ponder.

* Life has killed the dream I dreamed...

* There are storms we cannot weather...

And on a more spiritual note, Jesus faced many of the same sorrows, disappointments, and overall human emotions we do. This has always helped me in times of tragedy to know that He understands and will walk through this valley by our side. For your consideration: The Emotional Jesus: His Ups and Downs

by **GodsStudent** on Tue Mar 01, 2016 7:11 am

Wow....from the article, and profound unto itself, (not directly relating to my dilemma, but certainly, in contrast, relating to the emotions one feels when, with exhaustion by anothers failure to understand and grasp the full picture, they condemn, in error, and as a shallow rebut, what they do not, or cannot fully grasp).......... is this (speaking of Christ):

He may also have experienced the anguish of being tormented by subtle and not so subtle insinuations about his birth, i.e., that he was illegitimate, a child conceived out of wedlock – people called him “the Son of Mary” (Mark 6:3). In a bitter reply to Jesus’ criticism of their conduct the Jews retorted, ‘We were not born of fornication’ (John 8:41).

by **shorttribber** on Tue Mar 01, 2016 9:02 am

your strength and determination is amazing and very encouraging GS...God has an answer for you, even if we don't.
:verysad:

by **GodsStudent** on Tue Mar 01, 2016 9:35 am

I wish I had more strength.....but I have to be honest, God gives me sufficient strength for today, as long as I draw from it, and don't draw from that part of me that does not want to endure and bare the truth that comes with reality, and yet, conflicts with the heart.

I wish that "pat answer" we always tell ourselves had any real comfort to it (the saying "This too shall pass").....for my heart retorts that even if it does pass, along with it goes so many hopes, dreams, and a whole new reality which I sorely resist (within emotion).

Abiding's advice to schedule time to grieve is the wisest advice I've gotten.....and I have so much respect for the fact that she clearly knows a thing or two about this process....from personal experience, and from sharing it with others, I am certain. It's very hard....at this time, no more than a lofty goal for me, personally....as I just struggle and wrestle with sitting still in the pain, the reality, the meaning...of it all. ...and struggle even more with redirecting myself.

In one of the times past, my cousin, highly educated in the field of the mind, said "Control the things you can control."
Another bit of sanity as I face the day.

Right now, I feel like I'm in some sort of unreal flux. I don't want him to come home and yet, I don't want him to go, and it to be over. I say it.....because that's the only word to describe what was, but isn't anymore.....or isn't now....and in reality, statistically doesn't ever become again. The LAST thing I want right now is hope for the relationship...I've had too much of that, and him not enough, because his hopes and dreams and conscious existence revolves around the addiction and it's companion substances.

Aside from the emotional injury, which will heal in time, (just as the serious cut I got on my finger last week is still in a process, and not nearly healed enough, as it takes time).....I have a whole lot to be grateful for today. .....I have refrained from sharing, locally, with too many people, what is going on....and yet I can see it......The people I work with....the people I interact with.....they are all here....sharing their day, their lives, their burdens.....our jobs......and I enjoy them.

by **shorttribber** on Tue Mar 01, 2016 10:19 am

God is pouring out his grace to endure on you GS, that's what I mean by "your strength". It's hard to imagine such a trial...but your Faith is Standing...That's Powerful...very Very Powerful!
You are an Amazing Sister in Christ, by Christ.

by **GodsStudent** on Wed Mar 02, 2016 5:13 am

Last night, my daughter and I were spending bonding time together when my husband called her and asked her to pack a bag for him (he won't call me). I called him back and said that he should not put her in the middle of us and that if he wanted to come to my house, where I am the adult, he needs to call me.

In short, when he got here he was ranting at me and I said "What's wrong with you?" He replied:

"The only thing wrong with me is that you've still got my last name and Im working on changing that very soon!"

He is seething with anger and hatred for me. I researched on google about not cooperating with your addict and found that when spouses push back, they often act like this, and lots of addicts prefer to skip doing the hard work on themselves in favor of continuing their using. His position is that because I invited him to leave, he left and he is retorting that back to me in fury.

To be honest, I was completely unprepared for my husband to talk to me like that or even feel like that. I know I am coming from a rational place, and am sad about our circumstances, and am talking to myself about how best to talk to him when I do see him so that I don't create any anger and hostility, but stick to the business we've got between us of carefully and caringly deconstructing our togetherness......and he completely threw me for a loop when he showed up and completely disrupted my world with all of this.....I didn't sleep well last night, and this morning when I got up, I crafted his words to paper and taped it all over "my areas" so that I can see it until I come to some kind of terms with it. I was not prepared for his cruel and callous words towards me. When an addict falls in loves with drugs, they hate anyone and anything that tries to interfere with their relationship with drugs.....and that includes people they once took vows with. While my mind accepts this reality, I didn't get a substitute love.....and my heart is grappling to learn how to let go, because I have to, and not because I ever wanted to....(except on the surface, of course, being treated poorly like this, we "want to".....but we still love the person we LOST and wish with all our might that they would come back....after all, we married them....and they went away).....
This is like losing a spouse to death only almost worse, because I don't get to grieve him in peace....I have to deal with this monster that will rip my heart to shreds and divorce me or me him, which in and of itself, is going to be difficult for me.

The "visit" was very short, and when he left, I could barely pray.....but I knew that no human on this planet could help my heart come to terms. I tried to call three people...none answered....so I called a hotline and talked to a stranger who confirmed for me what I already knew about this situation....(addiction specialist).......it's just trying to live through what your mind knows but your heart won't accept...so talking about it was of little comfort (but I did appreciate that she took her time to talk to me).

Then, I knew I had to go to God with this.....and so I did, as best I could, talk to Him......

by **Loop** on Wed Mar 02, 2016 3:27 pm

Keeping you and your family in my Prayers GodsStudent

by **GodsStudent** on Thu Mar 03, 2016 10:42 am

God is GOOD. I am being strengthened and getting determined, and it's happening faster than I expected. I saw an attorney this morning and insisted that I am suing on grounds of substance abuse and I had good physical evidence, so I don't even need to hire a PI....we have more than enough evidence that I gathered.....

We can be divorced in as little as 3 months if he and I can hammer out an agreement, and I not particularly partial to any physical assets we have. We wont need a judge to tell me to play nice and be fair...I will.....and so that only leaves him agreeing to do the same.....and since he said the ONLY thing wrong with him is I still have his last name, hopefully we are going to get this problem of his rectified soon.

When I met with the attorney this morning I had the date I first learned of his using, which was Feb. 2015.....and at the point I learned, he had been using this stuff for about 6 months (per what he told me). I've had a year to work this over in my mind and the only thing that was really left was for me to let go, and I have....I am......

I work with attorneys and yet, of the few I spoke with, none could really recommend a good family attorney, so I googled it....and much to my attorneys surprise......her name came up first. I had never heard of her, but I liked her webpage...and just felt like I needed to call her.....and guess what, it WAS a GOD THING. ......one of those things that we all experience when something just literally falls into your lap.....What I'm saying is, usually her name doesn't come up first in a google search, but at the time I googled it.....it did....and the rest is history....she will be perfect for me.

My prayers are getting a lot easier and better, and I know that the Lord is hurting with me, but I feel good that He understands my situation and the position I am in and He is not holding this against me. He has led me through the past few days, and I am confident that He isn't going anywhere....and I am SO GRATEFUL for that.....I may have had the strength needed to have such a great meeting with my attorney and follow through with passing the message on to my husband (haven't heard back from him yet, but he has or will have the message)....and hopefully, he'll work with me and we can get this done pronto.....BUT......I will not be healed from this for a very long time. I figure I like advice I've heard in the past which is do the next right thing, even if you don't "feel" up to it, and allow the feelings to come as they will.

I have NO business being married to a drug dealer/drug addict....so the next right thing for me, as painful as it may be to admit, is to rectify that. Secretly, I would love it if, AFTER he's done his own recovery program, he comes back after me, and I could remarry him.....but for now, I need to divorce him.....and I am sure my "secretly" stuff will work itself out over time....and it will be perfectly ok with me, when the time comes, if he doesn't ever get his head screwed back on straight and remember his heart, for I know that aside from his love for drugs, this mans heart was mine.

by **GodsStudent** on Sat Mar 05, 2016 8:32 am

I was able to laugh at some jokes someone emailed me this morning. Actually, I had a first....I spewed my coffee all over my desk and my computer screen while reading them.....They were little comic strip type jokes, but I've got a friend who is a character all day every day and he sends out clean emails that are really funny every week or two, and he outdid himself this morning!

My husband was picked up by the police along with a group of people who were questioned about a rape incident that happened at the place where and when they were all getting high together the following evening (my husband was released as he had nothing to do with the crime). One of his friends he's dealing with called me while he was at the police dept. to get his truck back to me. Seems the woman he is living with was afraid of having his truck at her house since they thought he was arrested and in jail....so she took it to this guys house and asked him to call me. .....the Sgt. at the police dept. returned my call (I called and left a message for the Sgt. after the "friend" told me he was in jail, but didn't know what the charges would be)....the Sgt. said my husband and his friends had been on a long term binge and had run out of money and all were coming down now and they were all frenzied in the withdrawal process. They had to send one to the hospital in an ambulance because he was having such bad withdrawals that his heart was cutting up. The dealer "friend" who was supposed to be bringing his truck to me called me back after I talked to the Sgt. and I told him my husband had been released and he "forgot who he was talking to" and casually said that this woman my husband is living with lives close to the police dept. and "he was probably walking "HOME" to her house right now." I casually replied, that I was sure they would be coming along soon to get his truck back.......
So....yesterday was an eye opening day for me.
I was devastated yesterday, but today I woke with images of "Nicole" taking care of my husband.....so it's not my job to worry over him anymore....She took him, he gave himself to her, and they are together now, and I am not on his radar anymore...he concerns himself with her and them....and wants me to disappear.....Then, I also imagined what the Sgt. described to me as a group of people who had been getting high all night long, and since they were detained at the police dept., they were all sitting in there struggling uncomfortably as they came down off that drug.....and the image in my mind was a pathetic one, and to think that my husband was among that group .....it showed him to me in a whole new light....one I just can't imagine ......

This changes everything, and yet, just for today, it changes not a whole lot, because I am just realizing that when he took the trash out for hours on Sundays, and I assumed it was drug related.....it might not have been. I know that a few months ago he was helping "someone" move, and spent a lot of time gone....and yesterday the drug dealer, when I first asked him who Nicole was, said that she was someone my husband had helped move....it was the perfect thing to tell me, even if he didn't realize it, because since I know that was a few months ago, this woman that my husband left my house and went to her house to live at....has been in the picture for quite some time. No wonder I have had so much trouble with him.....he needed to have that conflict with me.

by **burien1** on Sat Mar 05, 2016 1:41 pm

by **GodsStudent** on Sat Mar 05, 2016 6:21 pm

He got around to calling me today. When I answered the phone I had to ask who it was, I didn't recognize the voice. He sounds like he has the worst cold that anyone has ever had. He said about Nicole "I don't know that girl that way." So, he disagreed that he has anything going on with her, but my response to him was that it doesn't matter, I haven't seen my husband since last Friday and I don't know where he is or who he's with, and I just can't live like this anymore.

I thought today that the way I am pining away in my heart for him is similar to the way he pines away for the drugs....but the difference is, I am pining away for him because he is my husband and I love him and put my whole self into the marriage I had with him, and I didn't hold anything back, because I didn't think I would ever have to see a day like this. He might not be able to let go of those drugs, but I've had enough of these withdrawals from him and I just cant keep doing this with him. The only way I would have ANYTHING to do with him again is if he were completely clean of all mood and mind altering substances.....period. This hurts beyond words, and he isn't feeling any of my pain.

When we were on the phone, he said he called to check on us (me and daughter). I didn't really believe that....this is a new thing for me......questioning his love and motives. My best guess would be he called to test the waters...see if he could come on home and get rested up, recovered, fed well, and all straightened out for the next time.....but the answer is a definitive no....he cannot. It is in my best interest not to see or talk to him and just keep enduring this pain and sadness until it passes, because life assures that it will...and it has for plenty of others in the past. While we were on the phone I heard a girl and others come into the room he was in, they were laughing, and he must have told them to be quiet, because she made some comment like "My bad!".....and then he started laughing. He kept laughing and abruptly told me that he had some things to do so he'd have to go.....So cavalier....and all it took was for his friends to come around and he had to cut his call to me short....more important people had showed up or showed back up.

Just blows my mind.

I am the only one who is feeling the love that he and I once shared. I suspect that the only thing he is feeling where I am concerned is how he might manipulate me to surrender things he could use to further his cause and court the love he shares with that drug......Its sad....drugs turn a human being into a thoughtless and manipulative animal. One thing I know is that at one time, his love for me was genuine and ran deep. He started several years back with the marijuana, and here we are.....it always starts out innocent enough. I read that drugs operate in the same reward center part of the brain that sex and love operate in, so once someone is hooked on these things, they don't have to do anything but buy and use to get the top of the line experience (like falling in love for the first time, how good it feels). So, if you can get a payoff without much effort, why bother with relationships, except for the exclusive purpose of being able to use the people in your path as a means to an end.

My how times have changed at my house.

by **Spreading Salt** on Sat Mar 05, 2016 9:39 pm

Lisa,

I am so sorry to hear all about this enormous mess! I will keep you in my daily prayers sister! :cry:

Dearest Yeshua,

Oh boy! Lord, there is nothing new under the sun, but this situation is so hurtful to our sister and her entire family is in shambles. Please guide her daily. Give her strength for each interaction. Clarity and discernment for dealing with all the specifics and details that she will need to protect herself and her family through the days ahead. May she be tightly bound in relationship with You, King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Remind her of her eternal destiny. Help her through the training grounds of this life. Help her put on her armor and trust in Your timing for all things. For her husband who is so lost, please open his eyes and soften his heart. May the drugs become distasteful and obnoxious to him. Pull him out of their grasp Lord. Please help this family. Amen. :bowing:

by **GodsStudent** on Sun Mar 06, 2016 8:13 am

Beautiful prayer, SS. Thank you and I joined you in it. He does need intercession prayers right now.....Satan surrounds him on all fronts. I am still seething that the drug dealer called me to return his truck to me when he thought my husband had been arrested....In that conversation, which lasted some time, he said a few things to me that really ticked me off. I told him that even though I was going to prove drug use in court, I was going to have our divorce sealed since I work in the courthouses (this is often standard for those of us who are in the industry and have personal matters that come to court, because all others who read cases and operate in the court system can be nosy gossips, unfortunately).....so I was assuring the drug dealer that I was going to keep his information private, because I don't want this guy coming after me.
His response? GOOD, because I HAVE FOUR KIDS and I don't want anything bad to happen where they are concerned.
GRRRRR>........ :verymad:

WHAT ABOUT MY KID? WHAT ABOUT ME? What about all the other lives he is destroying by dispensing these drugs all over creation?
Then, he decided he really likes me....enjoyed talking to me....and he actually came on to me.....said if I ever wanted to see him or needed anything to call him.......GRRRRRRR.........and he's not the only one in that group that has tried to come on to me....most of them have, when my husband has had them around me. ....and my husband hasn't been offended in the least by that....still carries on with these demonic infested souls......

These people my husband is hanging around have a vested interest in keeping my husband around. He uses their product and distributes it for them so he can get more. He is being used by them..... :roll:

by **GodsStudent** on Sun Mar 06, 2016 10:33 am

He called me yesterday and I handled him calmly. A woman came into the room laughing and talking loudly with some others and he must have shushed her, because she said loudly "Oops, my bad."....and then remarks ensued from others that I couldn't hear and my husband started laughing and they were all laughing and cutting up together and my husband abruptly told me he had to go he had some things to do...he said he would call me back later, and I replied, please call me to discuss getting whatever things you need from here.

Then at 11:54 pm he texted me the following message: Sorry I did not call you back earlier I am also so sorry for all this mess I have put you through hope we can talk later well goodnight.

So this morning I woke up and sent him all the following texts.....I will split them by spacing a line between messages:

I want nothing else to do with you unless you are 100 percent clean from all drugs and alcohol.

And knowing how severe your addiction is, you likely won't do the hard work to get and stay clean.

You have run through my life dreams and ravished them for years all because you want to use drugs

You have denied me of having a real man and marriage....what we share together is a joke and it has hurt me long enough

Even when together we don't have a marriage....its full of your lies and drug seeking behavior.

Its time for me to take back my dreams, and you are not the same man who was at the altar with me. I gave me to him, not the disposable human being you are now.

I am taking my heart back from you.....you stomp on it.

All your anger towards me is because I try to interfere with your drug habit. You and I would not have these problems if you weren't doing drugs.

I am the only one who really has a right to be mad, because you are destroying my life.

My happy marriage dreams. I've told you a million times what I need from you is love and you don't give me love....you love your drugs more than me.

So you treat me bad when I get in the way of your drugs.

You said Tuesday that the ONLY thing wrong with you was I still have your last name....and I agree that I should give it back to you.

I need to be held, loved and I wanna be able to act on my natural responses to my husband....in a certain way....and the drugs kill your desire....I am sick of holding it in.

I have passion and nowhere to put it

Read the lyrics to hallelujah....listen to Jordan Smith sing it.

.....but remember when I moved in you and the Holy Dove was too and every breath we drew was hallelujah

But all I've ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who out drew ya and its not a cry that you hear at night it's not somebody whose seen the light its a cold and broken hallelujah

My father is starting to take all of this really personal...especially because of our daughter. There will be no more of this per him. He sounds to be taking me back from you as he says you have abandoned me and her.

I pity your pathetic uncle....so sad is his story, and yet you are following in his footsteps and will become as he is. Sad, but you are not taking me down with you.

by **GodsStudent** on Sun Mar 06, 2016 10:39 am

FWIW to anyone reading this thread......I have been told by an Admin. that I may be sharing too much personal information, but this is personal, and I feel that God wants me to do this....to document this here......the process....not for me only, though I do wish for you all to pray for and with me......
But out on the internet, there is nothing compelling to the real as these stories go, and so I know that God can and will use my posts here for others out there. Also, for those who think it's ok to just be a little out of control with drugs and alcohol, I want you to see what happens....I want you ....the user.....the loved one.....to see what happens when you condone a little......

I have love for others that exceeds my dignity and need for privacy. While this thread has few responses, it has lots of readers stacking up.....LET IT BE.....LET GOD USE THIS.....
Lets get real, people....LETS GET REAL.....our world, our lives, our children's future.....they are all at crossroads.....it's time to WAKE UP and live the way God set up this world for us to live. He didn't put televisions and all forms of entertainment before us as a way of life.....but we've all lost ourselves to self satisfactions, and become slovenly.

Thank you for your prayers.....

by **Loop** on Sun Mar 06, 2016 2:40 pm

I've seen so many people destroyed by drugs and drug use, its so sad...

Please remember, you are in my Prayers.. stay strong.. :hugs2:

by **GodsStudent** on Sun Mar 06, 2016 3:34 pm

Loop wrote:Please remember, you are in my Prayers.. stay strong..

Thank you for the love, the support and your prayers.

I have actually heard privately (by email) from a few of you....and I have been complaining that it is so lonely inside my heart and mind right now, and that when I pray I get frustrated because it feels so one sided....and one of you reminded me that she was on the phone with me....so God was with me, THRU THE BODY of Christ, His Children......

Relationships are only fulfilling when we are with each other and Christ is in the center of us....

but when we have that, we are so fulfilled.....so rich.....so blessed.....so secure.

by **GodsStudent** on Mon Mar 07, 2016 6:31 am

My addict husband contacted me several times over the weekend, and it was a struggle for me. There are so many points to cover about this. First, it's obvious he's ready to come home, but I can't let him, and it's hard. He wants to come home, my heart wants him home (BUT MY HEAD KNOWS BETTER!).....He told me he was sorry....I guess he's dropped the anger with me act (fyi: That's an excuse to leave the house. They create a problem or series of problems they have with you in order to leave mad and stay gone as long as they want to or can use, and then they come back wanting to work on problems they have with you, so that you can't call them on THEIR behavior, but are in a position where you have to behave, because they have things against you). Get real.....almost all of the problems I have with my husband are because of his drug seeking behaviors. Also, his head is screwed up with drugs in it....I told him we cannot even begin to work on us until he gets himself straightened out. He has to get clean and be clean and then we can get to us. Then he said something that really scared me...."I lost you so when you say I will gain everything by getting clean, I already lost you so I have nothing." THAT freaked me out and put me in a spot.....I worried that he might get suicidal...and of course I wanted to fix that.....but that one has to go straight to God, and my response was and has to be.....If you get 100% clean, we can address us, but I want nothing to do with you anymore unless you are 100% clean. .....Well, I didn't hear back from him, and it's ok.....I have put my terms out there, and until he says those golden words to me.....I WANT HELP WITH REHAB......I can't negotiate anything else. HE MUST BE CLEAN in order for us to proceed with us, if we do. His head is all mixed up, so talking to him about us, him, anything.....nah, sanity and insanity do not mix. Bottom line: He MUST get clean, period....then we can talk about whatever else is between us. If he doesn't make that choice first, everything else is a set up for a repeat.

It's getting easier, because only he is the one getting upset and blaming, accusing, thinking there is something to negotiate. I have a bottom line....I won't be able to do any of this with you, at all, until you get yourself straightened out, FIRST.

Getting myself to this place has been a journey, but from experience, I can say without hesitation that the sooner loved ones stop giving truthful consideration to the complaints of the addict (you do this, you don't do that), and simply demand that in order to have a relationship, they must choose to get clean.....the sooner, the better. The more my husband gets to come home and fixed up and have me take care of all his issues, car payments, etc.....manage his life for him.....make sure he has a place to rest his head.....the more he can continue the destructive behavior and miss hitting his bottom.

The reality of this, which is really hard for me to live with, is his bottom, according to NA, is Jails, Institutions and Death, and I have read plenty of stories where people out there blame themselves because they gave their loved ones an ultimatum, and the loved one didn't make it home before they died....Right now, I literally am offering him to help him get clean and in recovery.....but HE hasn't chosen to stop using, so he hasn't made THAT call to me....his calls are really for me to get him comfortable again, so he can get his strength back up, and see me, because he misses me...he misses his home....has nothing to do a decision to get clean....so at this point, he'll do this again if I say yes. It's a hard place for family members to be at...the sane choice to stop using is out of my hands....yet if something happens to him, the temptation would be to think I could have prevented it (if only I'd let him come home)....but no......I couldn't have. Reality HAS to dictate, and my reality is that I can only control myself and me.....It is my prayer that when I tell him he has to be 100% clean to have anything else to do with me, he will eventually pick me over drugs, but today, that isn't the case. He got angry and hung up the phone (hehe....but he did say in an angry tone that he needed both his hands and he had to go, but would call me back later if I was ok with that). He doesn't like his choices now, or the fact that I am not negotiating with him anymore, but he can't choose to let me go....and he can't choose to let drugs go, either. Pity.

by **GodsStudent** on Mon Mar 07, 2016 7:05 am

Being the wife who finds herself without anything to do in the evenings, all of a sudden, and no outlet, like my addict husband has, and of course, not knowing where he is and who he's with, time on my hands can be a real challenge. I'd like to say that I was getting all sorts of stuff done, but coexisting with my emotions is about all I've been able to do lots of times. Recognizing that this difficult time is so stressful on me, it's no wonder so many people enable their addicts by allowing them to come home....I want things to get normal again, or closer to normal......BUT.....I am getting stronger as each day passes (he's been gone now 10 days).....and my conviction and resolve is at an all time high for me....so it turns out simply doing whatever I need to do to make it through each day does have it's benefits, and as long as I put one foot in front of the other and keep doing the next right thing, I am going to be ok, and this situation that has overtaken my life is going to stop....and I will get to be the person I desire to be, with or without him....and not this shell of a person I've become in all of this out of control chaos that has become my identity.
Aside from spending time keeping my own spirit and mind healthy by prayer and studying scripture, I have done some of the following things to help me tolerate the time......
I've learned everything I could about addiction. I've covered the circumstances of people like me (the family member), and I would agree that information and encouragement is sorely lacking. There is a lot of information about addicts on the internet, but not too many roadmaps back for the family members. That said, there is enough to get me going and learn what I am dealing with. Forearmed is forewarned....and being prepared to handle the situation gets easier, the more I learn. When I was talking to my husband yesterday, I knew a lot more about what was going on with him than he knew. I told him about the drugs targeting the reward system in his brain which is why the drive is so strong for him...point is, I understand what we're dealing with, him and me, because I needed to do something in these long and agonizing nights alone, and frankly, it's all I wanted to think about anyway....what's wrong and what's happening in and to my life.

I've also struggled with the silence, so every day I have (and this is just my way), found a song that resonates with my current feelings, and played it literally over and over again. It helps keep my mind calm.....I find that songs changing also means subjects change, and I get into my emotions....so on the day I was just sad, for example, I literally played Usher's "You got it bad" all day long. Yesterday, it was more resolve to the sad truth, so I played Jordan Smith's version of "Hallelujah" over and over. It's still playing in the background now.....for the 20th time today....guess Im not done with that one. It's beautiful and says to me....I knew a time with him when God was our center and we were happy, and yet, like so many other times in my life, love has been overcome by willful turning to the ugliness in human nature, and love loses. Plus, it's melodic and smooth and relaxing......and the repeating of the song over and over again isn't as stressful FOR ME as songs changing constantly.

It really doesn't matter what I do to keep myself calm and centered as the minutes, hours and days pass.....as long as I do it. I am beyond being angry, because that emotion only lasts a short while, and from there, I have to center myself and focus on taking care of myself, my daughter.....and yet, I need, at least for today, to have something in the background that smoothly acknowledges the pain I am in, and reassuringly encourages me to forge ahead with my life, my day. My imagination could be everywhere....and I could wonder a lot about a lot of things right now.....but it is critical for me to work with the information I have ONLY and redirect myself from getting into my head. The truths I already have, in and of themselves, is enough for me to deal with today.

by **Resurrection Torchlight** on Mon Mar 07, 2016 9:22 am

I am so glad that you are finding ways to cope and get through this trial. praying for you every day, as God brings you to my mind, which is often. Keep leaning on Jesus, stay strong in your resolve. I honestly believe that the best hope for Charles to overcome his addiction requires that you let go of him.

I am reminded of the passage in 1 Corinthians 5, where Paul admonishes the church to remove the wicked from among them, because the unrepentant person engaged in immorality has to be removed in order for God to work in their life, to bring about judgement and hopefully lead them to a place of repentance. I think it applies to your situation, clearly Charles has been engaged in immoral behavior, by allowing him to come home to resume his place in your household, you are keeping him from reaching that place of repentance. He may feel sorrowful about losing the protection he has in your home, but he is not sorrowful to the point of turning from his bad behavior and that is what needs to happen.

Praying for you

Stacey

by **GodsStudent** on Thu Mar 10, 2016 8:23 pm

Hi RT: You are and were right, I did have to let go and I did.......believe me, I did and if need be I am and I will.

Charles told me about 10 times today that he is 3 days clean. He is going to be working an outpatient program and has committed to me to be 100% alcohol and drug free (of all mind and mood altering substances). I have agreed to attend a few meetings with him every week, but wont attend all. I am in control of all money until the time comes where we know the temptation is gone, and I will be going to work with him as opposed to him being wide open all through the week, with no accountability.
He has agreed to all of these terms, not because he had to......( He is fully able to get his own home and get another job or even start up a business, with my help...those offers were made by me).....

Many conversations have taken place and he wants to stop the unmanageability in his life and center it around Christ and his family again. PRAISE THE LORD>>>>>> !!!!!!! I know him....I know me......I meant and still do mean that I will not live with him if he has to use any more mind and mood altering substances, because they've damaged all of us, not just him....and I genuinely came to the place where, even though I love him, I'd rather love him from a safer distance......

He is home....and he is clean....."just for today".......and it was a wonderful day today.....May the Lord continue to bless and restore our family...in Christ previous name I pray.....Amen.

by **Resurrection Torchlight** on Fri Mar 11, 2016 7:42 am

I am so glad to hear that your husband has decided to get serious about rehab. I will pray that he will stick to it. And also that you will stick to your terms as well. Mostly I pray that he will grab a hold of Jesus and the strength He can provide to help him truly overcome.

Continuing in prayer for you and your family

RT

by **Loop** on Fri Mar 11, 2016 11:29 am

I am so glad to hear that your husband has decided to get serious about rehab. I will pray that he will stick to it. And also that you will stick to your terms as well. Mostly I pray that he will grab a hold of Jesus and the strength He can provide to help him truly overcome.

Continuing in prayer for you and your family

Agreeing in Prayer with Resurrection Torchlight

by **GodsStudent** on Wed Mar 16, 2016 5:32 am

Today is 8 days clean (I think 8 is right).....and what a difference in his attitude........I have enjoyed every single one of the last 8 days we've shared together, and so is he (and most especially, so is our daughter). He wakes up nice, goes to bed nice and nice all inbetween. He lost his cell phone, which has been a blessing in disguise.....for he isn't in touch with old people, places and things. I know we need to report it lost and get him a replacement, but for now, he is using mine, and I'm happy he isn't pressing to report this insurance claim and get a replacement. I hope the replacement doesn't have all the data (numbers) the old one did.

by **bchandler** on Wed Mar 16, 2016 9:53 am

GS,

my brother struggled with addiction for 30 years. If your hubby is attending AA/NA meetings, changing who he "hangs out" with is part of the process.

I told my brother once, "There are only two ways to fix your life. Change the people around you, or, change the people around you."

One, is instantly doable, the other is nearly impossible.

by **GodsStudent** on Wed Mar 16, 2016 4:34 pm

bchandler wrote:GS,

my brother struggled with addiction for 30 years. If your hubby is attending AA/NA meetings, changing who he "hangs out" with is part of the process.

I told my brother once, "There are only two ways to fix your life. Change the people around you, or, change the people around you."

One, is instantly doable, the other is nearly impossible.

I like that, and you're exactly right.

by **Resurrection Torchlight** on Wed Mar 16, 2016 4:58 pm

Was thinking of you and praying for you and your family this morning around 11:00, it is so good to hear that things are going well, will continue to pray that your husband has the fortitude to continue on this path to rehabilitation and that he will find strength in Christ to withstand the temptation to relapse.

RT

by **GodsStudent** on Thu Mar 17, 2016 11:01 am

Thank you, RT (and others). It is very obvious that the prayers for my family are making a difference. Yesterday I asked him to take a home drug test and he was negative....it was a great moment for both of us.

by **brett** on Tue Mar 29, 2016 7:09 pm

Wow, just came across this thread for the first time, sorry I've not ventured into this forum section much.........read a fair chunk of your last month..................I am struck by your internal strength to FORGE yourself a "right" marriage and life - and for your husband too. I am also kinda overwhelmed at discovering what you've been going through, that's a lot to cope with.............

I always hope and pray people stay together......that's just my heart on relationships in general....

I've been through some difficult relationship moments myself, such things are REALLY hard to endure and really take a toll on us, but you have weathered the storm...........you are like a relationship veteran to me now..........you just grew 10 feet taller to me.......what I mean is that I see you have really been through some significant trials and I will remember this when posting in the future. In a similar way that a war veteran deserves a certain amount of appreciation for their service, I feel this adds another dimension to you as a person also..........

What a journey.......God Bless your enduring spirit. I pray your husband grows in his appreciation of you.........that he be lead to a place of greater gratitude.........that would be right......you have endured a lot.

I'm really happy to hear its already moving in that direction......

Us men need to appreciate our wives more.......in fact I better go now.......and hug my wife !
.

by **Spreading Salt** on Wed Mar 30, 2016 6:05 pm

Dearest Yeshua,

Thank You for the changes You are making in their lives. Fresh strength for the day. Amen.

by **GodsStudent** on Sun Apr 03, 2016 11:37 am

I committed to myself that I would document the entire story on this thread, not for my benefit, but for the benefit of those struggling with this issue....and because I KNOW God's Word says IN ALL THINGS give thanks....and it's hard sometimes to see how to give thanks in the midst of the trials.

I can say without a doubt that the #1 thing that is making a difference in this situation we have and have had is YOUR PRAYERS...and mine....and those of others.

My husband is still moving in the right direction..... :shock:

.....It's the prayers.....I see how many people are reading this thread, even though not that many are making comments, and I know of those, many are praying....and the Lord is responding, FOR HIS GLORY, and lives are changing and being changed.....FOR THE GOOD.

I have so much to add to this, but can't right now, due to my schedule today. I want to come back and add to the story that's unfolding, and I will as time permits. BUT....thank you so much for all the prayers, and know that these prayers are moving the Lord to bath us in His Gifts and the results are amazing. We just returned from a 7 night cruise where my husband and I reconnected on some really amazing levels. He shared some things (I need to detail this further later) that helped me see how he got so distressed and turned to substances in the first place.

I will post more later, but thank you again for all the prayers.

by **sacredcowbasher** on Mon Apr 04, 2016 3:55 pm

Just wanted to say :praise:

What a blessing to hear about you two, three counting your daughter. God is awesome!

by **GodsStudent** on Tue Aug 16, 2016 2:24 pm

Well....things haven't gone the way I'd like for them to go. I hired a divorce attorney two weeks ago and let my husband know he needed to move out. He was anxious to go to rehab to save the marriage, but I was also using a PI who informed me that even though he was waiting out his 3 weeks or so period to go to rehab, he was continuing to use and deal (which is how he supports his habit).
I tend to agree with the NA philosophy that addicts go to any lengths to get high (dealing)....and should likewise go to any lengths to not pick up the drug.....my husband didn't stop using....he simply continued to hide his habits and lie to me, which I am so sick and tired of that I can't and won't tolerate it another minute. He had the option to go to meetings all day and all night if need be, but he chose to use, is the reality of the situation. So...yesterday, I made him leave the house.....I cant tolerate enabling him to have a "home base" where I maintain the sanity, manage the details and keep him fed, clothes washed, etc....It is and has been for too long that my life is too hard and his isn't hard enough. Oh, his childish thinking doesn't see it that way, but I know that I handle everything and on top of that, have to ask him to do things around the house to wit I get groaning and grumbling, just as I do from our child. It's insane thinking on his part and I just can't do it anymore.

I have no idea where he is, who he's with .....and it doesn't matter to me, unless and until he is living clean and working a meaningful program to stay clean. Ive been really sad and lonely and hurt and disillusioned by this marriage for a long time. Right now, I am just sad and sorry that reality is what it is....and the man I used to love is gone and has been for a long time. The guy who left my house can't do anything for me and hasn't been able to for a long time.....so him coming back won't fix my pain.....probably only time and me rebuilding myself and a positive environment will.

Please continue to pray for us. Thanks, Lisa

by **Abiding in His Word** on Tue Aug 16, 2016 3:12 pm

I'm so sorry, Lisa, that things have turned out as they have.

...probably only time and me rebuilding myself and a positive environment will.

Yes, those things will enable you to go forward in a new phase of your life knowing you have done all you could do. We simply can't fix everything and despite the truth that all things are possible with God, we often face the difficult reality that He does not always fix the things we want Him to.

I hope you know that many here will be available when you need a shoulder to cry on, a word of encouragement, or anything else we can provide to comfort you during your "rebuilding" phase.

Much love to you....

Abiding (Mary Ann)

:comfort:

by **Resurrection Torchlight** on Tue Aug 16, 2016 8:27 pm

So sorry to hear this news Lisa, I have been keeping you and your family in prayer and will continue to do so. You have been so faithful throughout this trial to trust God and to give your husband every opportunity to repent and turn his life around. I pray that God will continue to be your strength through the difficult days ahead.

Please feel free to contact me personally if you need to talk, and know that I am thinking of you often and will be praying for you. My heart goes out to you dear sister.

Stacey (AKA RT)

by **burien1** on Wed Aug 17, 2016 12:57 pm

I am so sorry to hear this, Lisa. I wasted so many years of my life with my abusive, alcoholic husband. Best thing I ever did for my son, was to kick his father out. When he died at 48, I felt bad and wondered what else I could have done. But not for long. Ultimately, it was all his problem to conquer. Standing by his side through all the bad only enabled him.

Life is too short to take on someone else's addiction. Sickness is a different story. With addiction, it is very hard to ever get the trust and respect back that is needed in a marriage. I stayed in my marriage because of 'religious ' beliefs imposed on me by others. Not the Lord.

Addiction IS a mistress.
Just my 2 cents.
I will pray for you, your daughter, and for your husband. :hugs:

by **GodsStudent** on Wed Aug 17, 2016 4:40 pm

My friends! :hugs2:

Such wonderful words of encouragement from you guys. I really appreciate it.
I have really been coming to terms over the past few months, and living the thing, day by day, has been such a trial and drain on me. Even though I have some kind of sad funk hovering around me a little too much right now, I am completely at peace with my decision, and don't have any regrets, wont have any. I spent a lot of time familiarizing myself with addiction and codependency and enabling and all the "catch phrases'.....what they are....what they mean.....and I took a solid inventory and got super real with myself. All of that, plus, somewhere along the way, I decided I am sick and tired of allowing people in my life to hurt me.....I need to love myself FIRST in order to be able to love anyone outside of myself.....and that's why enabling and codependency happen.....people don't love themselves first......they focus on giving more than what they should to another. That sweet wonderful man I married gambled away out future together on the day he, completely sober at that time, decided he could use drugs again, and control them. He had forgotten what they cost him the first goround, and so now he gets to lose more.....and unfortunately, I do, too. He was the only person I've ever met who completely took my breath away, and all of that has been lost to the lies, deception and distrust that a lifestyle of drugs brings. God gave us a perfect marriage, but human beings have free will, and I can't blame God for allowing my husband to continue to have free will...I have mine still, too....and that's what makes a relationship with the Lord so special....it's a choice that continues to be a choice and it becomes such a blessing for us....and is such a gift....So.....I know I can't ask God to fix him....he must do that himself....BUT/AND.....I can let him go to do whatever he is going to do....completely, and without reservation knowing I literally couldn't have done one other thing.....and cant do another thing......THAT, I can live with.

by **GodsStudent** on Sun Aug 21, 2016 6:27 pm

I really wish he would get tired of his lifestyle and get clean, but it's not my choice or my decision. Please join me in praying that the Lord move in his life and compel him to look at what he's already lost to drugs and alcohol and at what he is losing now, to continue to have his rights to use and do the things he is doing since I won't allow it in my home anymore. Our marriage is broken, but I love my husband and I know he loves me.

by **burien1** on Mon Aug 22, 2016 11:30 am

by **Abiding in His Word** on Mon Aug 22, 2016 1:24 pm

by **GodsStudent** on Wed Sep 07, 2016 5:13 am

So, he got sick and tired of being sick and tired and came home and sat outside (for literally hours, I found out later), until I saw him and went outside to him.
Long story short....I prayed and prayed for our marriage, but did the right things for myself in the meantime....which was to not be in the active addiction with him......and when he was ready to be done.....he showed up and asked me what was next. He said he loves me and can't live without me.....but he struggles...and is struggling.
We are going together to 90 meetings in 90 days (the program we chose requires this). I am going to his meetings with him and also to those meetings provided for family members of addicts.
Bottom line, I prayed for God to help my husband and me and our marriage. I married him till death do us part and I meant it, and I know he did, too.....and our love has survived all of the bad stuff in the middle.....and it's still there and strong, even if we, individually or together, aren't all that much.
I thanked him yesterday for recognizing that love...because statistically, 9 out of 10 marriages with this issue don't survive, because the addicts choose their addictive substances over their spouses. I thank God that He showed up and has been talking to my husband or putting people in his path that talk to him or whatever God has been doing to help my husband have just enough sanity and courage to face this....and help us to live our vows out.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

by **Abiding in His Word** on Wed Sep 07, 2016 6:20 am

Thanks for the update, Lisa. Will continue to remember you both in prayer in your efforts to resolve the problems in your relationship.

by **burien1** on Wed Sep 07, 2016 7:07 am