by GodsStudent on Sun Feb 28, 2016 7:23 am
I haven't posted on this for months, and over those months, I have been trying to be still for the benefit of honoring my vows, in spite of the fact that I know my husband will lie to me as easy as tell me the truth. It came to a crashing head this past Friday evening, as he lied about money I gave him in the morning, and I caught him red handed in the lies. In short, I know he has been lying to me and I tried to ignore it and let him do and be what he was going to do and be, but in the end, I've lost all respect for him, and it's nearly impossible to love a husband I can't respect. I don't trust him and I don't respect him. I know his addiction drives his actions, but living with an addict who places his love for that over his wife (although I see his conflict, because he does love me...but only fwiw).....it's draining, and I've just had enough at this point.
He left Friday night and as usual. hasn't returned, but this time, when he contacts me, I want to tell him that I'd like for him to stay gone. I do not feel that he and I have a biblical husband and wife relationship anymore. Whatever we set out to accomplish together has long been overcome by his personal ventures, and at this point, I feel that I've lost myself in all of his drama, and I just need for it to stop......Even though there are a lot of reasons why I need him, and for those reasons, I tolerated all the lying and bad behavior.....I find I just can't go on anymore with him, like this.
There's so much to consider that I would be remiss to ask for certain prayers right now, because I don't know what is best for me in my situation. I would simply ask that you do pray for my situation and ask the Lord to provide for the needs, and outline my path, direct my steps, moving forward. It's been so long since I felt happy about anything, and I've been so disillusioned about what my life has become that I have tolerated it, not all that well, but as best I could. I regret, but am hopeful that it has come down to me saying that leaving my husband is the only way I can find happiness, but settling for what he has offered me on a personal level for so long has really drained me of most joy. I really understand why 9 out of 10 relationships dealing with severe addiction fail.....because I have put up with that which is just ridiculous in order to try to honor my vows and keep them.....but in the end......it only made me responsible for 2 people.....for the most part....because only one of us is really functioning sufficiently....he may get up and go to work, but in so many ways, his contribution essentially ends there....and it just added so much to my plate that I have and am swirling in a sea of overburdened.
Friday night I didn't plan to confront him on the money that he took to take care of our house business that disappeared without him getting the business taken care of, but when I questioned him about where the money went and he lied and even said he filled up his car with gas with a small portion of it (no answer as to the rest).....he was on his way out to see his "dealer friend"....and so I followed him and when he cranked his car, his gas needle was on empty and I exploded and told him to stay with his dealer friend....and that's the last time I've seen him....I am not as emotional and distraught about this as I have been in the past, because I have come to accept that he loves "another" more than he loves me......but his choices and lifestyle throw mine into complete disarray every time he goes away (we work together to top it all off and of course, some of you know I am handicapped).......so, again, I will take on doing his job as well as my own as well as handling literally every aspect of our finances and responsibilities (because he has been untrustworthy and unable to share those burdens)......
I am not venting.....I am sharing what leads to the decision to finally get to a place where I admit that his out of control lifestyle has made mine go out of control and at this point, a marriage PARTNERSHIP has NOTHING to do with the way we are living.....and the burdens are just too great on me to continue on in this situation......even if I did say "I do."....there just isn't enough of me to go around ......and I am so overwhelmed.....and to top it all off.....I have to finally accept that those dreams which saw us taking vows far more than a decade ago never got realized, because his addiction came in and took all of that away so many years ago...and we've just been surviving together since he lost control of his using many years back....me clinging to some unrealistic hope that the man I married was going to come back. The man I am with wants to be with me at all times he isn't using, but at this point, I can barely stand to do that with him anymore, because what I see when I look at him is not what I used to see when I looked at him......
What's really strange to me is that whenever I do go out, men are drawn to me and I don't worry that if I wanted to, I could find another to love....not AT ALL that I am thinking of that for me now....but my internal dilemma is that I don't think my husband committed adultery with another woman, so I don't believe I can, by God's standards, be with someone else in my future. That has plagued my mind, too, since I really need the help of someone (physically).....just to function. While I have a lot to offer in so many ways, my RSD/CRPS is in my spine and all limbs, and there are times when I absolutely need the help of another.....
sigh.....
I don't even know how I am going to deal with doing the legwork to our job since he and I work together....but I have found myself begging the Lord to take me out of this world due to the circumstances I find myself in, and the reality that I cannot continue to live like this anymore with this man. I've talked to therapists.....just because they support my decision to move on and cheer me on when I say I deserve better than this doesn't mean they can give me the answers I seek as to the logistical way to go about that, nor can they give me the relief I need when I contemplate trying to live alone for the remainder of my life with my circumstances. I don't have answers and they cant give them to me.....
only God can ....and the questions are real.
But....today, I am stepping out in faith, with tears in my eyes and my marriage in the rear view mirror at this point....and given what I know about God....He will direct my path since I am asking Him to....and one day, should Christ tarry, and the Lord choose not to answer my prayer that He bring me home to Him.....I will have yet another testimony to add to the others.
If you've made it to this point in my post, you have endured a lengthy read and I appreciate your interest in me, so much to the point, that you would take the time to read all that plagues me and empathize with my issues. I didn't mean to be so long winded.